KEY Torture
by Esyla Lease
Summary: The Pumpkin King, a homicidal maniac, and a drow mercenary must endure bad fanfiction and a crazed author. Will they find the kitchen knives in time? Cheesey goodness.
1. The Madness Begins

Jack Jarlaxle Johnny  
  
Torture  
  
By: Esyla Lease  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?! DAMN MY NAVEL ITCHES!!! Why do you fear the moose of doom? I have done nothing to deserve your cheese ramblings!!! Erm.Jack Skellington isn't mine (he belongs to someone, I know it's not me.), Nny isn't mine (he belong to Jhonen), and ::sigh:: Jarlaxle isn't mine either (he belong to TSR and RAS and.yeah). Neither are all related characters. Hah! Now the nazi lawyers cannot sue me! The ultimate taco has been achieved! GIMME TACOS!!!  
  
Now..time for-  
  
KEY Torture!!!  
  
CAST!!!  
  
Johnny C. (why the fook am I here?! I need a brainfreezy!!! CHERRY DOOM!) Jack Skellington (Is there any particular reason why I'm stuck with a homicidal maniac and a Christmas tree decoration?) Jarlaxle Baenre (.it could be worse.)  
  
  
  
We zoom into a quiet suburban neighborhood. A dilapidated house, boards covering the windows, a Keep Off the Loose Dirt sign, and a note on the front door that reads "RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" is seen in the midst of two nicer, less disheveled houses. The door opens slowly, and a young man in his early twenties is seen. He has two spikes of black hair (resembling antennae) on his otherwise shaved head and is dressed in black garb, making his already thin figure resemble a stick. A noose hangs quietly from the ceiling, and a dresser is littered with other sharp metal objects. Suddenly the young man falls from his desk full of Happy Noodle Boy sketches, unconscious.  
  
In another faraway land, we see a warped gate that opens loosely to unveil an old looking town, with a well in the middle of the square and various people.corpses walking about. In another swish we make our way to a large mansion, eerie with its twisted tower that looms above the rest of this town, or more precisely, Halloween Town. Anyway, a tall malnourished looking figure is seen pacing in this tower, fidgeting with his bat bowtie. The camera moves in and we hear a crash. The skeletal like man- wait, he is a skeleton- turns around and puts his hands in front of his face, but BOOM! tis too late, and he falls to the floor as well.  
  
Now we head to Faerun, a world full of intrigue, deception and adventure. We see two figures walking along a crowded avenue full of shops and dealers selling their wares. The one is dressed primarily in black with a rimmed hat, his skin a gray hue. The other ebony figure is dressed outrageously in a high cut vest, his wrists and neck bedecked in an array of jewelry. While his breeches and black boots are normal, his bald head is topped with a huge purple hat in which a dozen or so plumes of some exotic bird are tucked underneath the hatband. This odd assortment of gaudiness is Jarlaxle, a drow mercenary. Unfortunately, he too "magically" drops to the ground and vanishes in a mere second.  
  
Three or so hours later.  
  
Johnny: (wakes up to find himself tied to a chair (his chair?.no, it has swivel thingies.) His eyes narrow at the other two figures across from him who are also strapped to swivel chairs, a skeleton guy with a black and white striped suit and a some bald guy.elf.who looks like he clashed very badly with a rainbow) WHERE THE FOOK IS MY KNIFE?!  
  
Jack: (opens an eye socket to stare at the homicidal maniac who is desperately using his teeth to get to a pocket in his shirt) .excuse me?  
  
Johnny: (does that weird eye popping thing) Why are you staring? Can I not go out without being a mockery to the pathetic beings who inhabit this planet?!  
  
Jack: Actually.I was just-  
  
Johnny: YOU SPEAK LIES!!!! LIES!!!!  
  
Jarlaxle: (who has been awake all this time, opens an eye and chuckles)  
  
Johnny: (swivels towards the mercenary) DO YOU FIND MY APPEARANCE AMUSING?! (twitches)  
  
(The well equipped mercenary shrugs)  
  
Jarlaxle: And you don't think I get stares when I walk down the street?  
  
Johnny: (tries to swivel forward, but finds the rest of the chair is stationed to the floor)  
  
Jack: (looks around while the homicidal maniac continues to rant and rave about brain deficiencies in stupid, ignorant, assholes. The room they're in is unremarkle, with the walls whitewashed. The only features are the chairs and a large computer screen with a normal looking keyboard.)  
  
Johnny: -TORMENT I'VE BEEN THROUGH!  
  
Jarlaxle: (raises a brow) I don't doubt you. I never caught your name.  
  
Johnny: -PEOPLE!-oh, Johnny, but you can call me Nny-WHO DON'T HAVE THE-  
  
(The computer screen blinks on.)  
  
*Nny, there'll be plenty of time for that later.*  
  
(Silence.)  
  
(The face of a girl with shoulder length blonde hair and blue eyes appears, wearing one of her customary psychotic grins.)  
  
*Anyway.welcome to.well. I can't exactly say my house, because it's not. Anywhoo, welcome to a really cool looking underground house thingie. I am Esyla, but you can refer to me as dominatrix beauty queen anytime.*  
  
Jarlaxle: (snicker)  
  
*Do you really want me to give Nny any type of object?*  
  
Jarlaxle: (looks at Nny, who is wearing one of those calm masks at the moment* Probably not.  
  
*As I was saying...this place has other rooms which will be revealed to you as soon as Nny realizes that anytime he even tries to throw a spork at any living or dead being he will not hit his mark. Ever*  
  
Nny: (grits teeth) .  
  
*Now, with that settled, let's play an icebreaker game! Jack, you first.*  
  
Jack: My nam-  
  
*Wait! That's so unoriginal. Let's say our names, our profession, and what color or design of underwear we're wearing!*  
  
Nny: I am not telling ANYONE what-  
  
*Do you ever want to taste a Cherry Doom Brainfreezy again?*  
  
Nny: Yes.  
  
(With that problem solved, we continue) *Jack, you can go first*  
  
Jack: (shifts uncomfortably in his bindings) My-  
  
*Oops! Won't need those now. Everyone's awake and can defend themselves.*  
  
(The ropes disappear and everyone stands up, Jarlaxle flexing his dagger throwing arm, while Nny reaches into his pocket and whips out.nothing)  
  
*Oh yeah, no weapons. For the moment.*  
  
Jack: My name is Jack Skellington-  
  
Jarlaxle: As in skeleton?  
  
*Snicker*  
  
Jack: I'm the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town.  
  
Jarlaxle: A monarchy?  
  
Jack: Actually it's just a figurehead title.  
  
Jarlaxle: (raises a brow) Halloween Town?  
  
Jack: It's a holiday on Earth. I make sure the humans get it every October 31st. All Hallows Eve.  
  
Jarlaxle: That it?  
  
Jack: I also get to scare the heck out of humans, possess overwhelming amounts of money, and live the largest mansion in the town. Not to mention powers practically surpassing the mayor.  
  
Jarlaxle: Figurehead title?  
  
Jack: (smiles that demonic smile) It's a coveted position.  
  
*Stop stalling you two. Continue Jack.*  
  
Jack: (stops smiling) ..*mumble*  
  
*What's that?*  
  
Jack: .wearing..under.  
  
*Stop being so immature about it. Just tell us. I NEED TO KNOW!!!* Jarlaxle: (eyes go wide as he looks at the screen) And why do you need to know?  
  
*DO NOT QUESTION MY SUPREME AUTHORITY MONKEY KISSER! EAT MY CHEEZBALLS!*  
  
Jarlaxle: I think you better tell her-erm-us.  
  
Jack: I'mwearingredandpinkheartcoveredunderwearmywifegavemyforchristmaslastyear.  
  
Jarlaxle: You have a wife?  
  
Jack: Yeah. She's a redhead too.  
  
Jarlaxle: I had a thing for a redhead once.  
  
*STOP STALLING! Jarly honey, you're next.*  
  
Jarlaxle: (Sweeps his hat off his head and bows politely.) I am Jarlaxle, former leader of the mercenary band Bregan D'aerthe, now travelling with assassin Artemis Entreri. And if you are so inclined, I'm not wearing any undergarments.  
  
*Oh really? Wanna bet?*  
  
Jarlaxle: (smiles lewdly) Why certainly.  
  
*You can step into my office later. Nny, you're next.*  
  
(Nny, who has been quiet this whole time, uncurls himself from the ball he was in at the corner of the room, and steps forward, looking much like a preschooler and their first show and tell.)  
  
Nny: (whispering) My name is Johnny C., I-  
  
*Just a little louder so the blonde can hear, kay?*  
  
Nny: (hands twitches involuntarily) My. Name. Is. Johnny. C. I rid the world of the flea infested shit which crawl over the planet like maggots, infecting everyone with their one sided views of people who are different. And my underwear is black with some red in it. (looks up from the floor)  
  
*(busily scrawling notes. Looks up.) Eep! (hides the piece of paper behind her back) Very good Nny. At least he was straightforward. Maybe if he doesn't purée anything into a bloody pulp I might give him a knife-*  
  
Nny: (face lights up)  
  
*-so that he may throw it at inanimate objects. Only.*  
  
Nny: *sigh* .  
  
Jack: You wouldn't.  
  
*I would. And even if Mr. Eff does come back at that particular moment at least I'll get to see how well Jarlaxle's and your's self defense is.*  
  
Nny: (Back in his corner, occasionally searching for a window and mumbling things to himself.)  
  
(Jack and Jarlaxle look at each other, then to the homicidal maniac.)  
  
Jarlaxle: This could get interesting.  
  
Jack: You think?  
  
  
  
Prologue Is Over.  
  
You can go eat cheese now.  
  
Author's Note: I had the KEY idea in my head for a few weeks now, and after reading excessive amounts of fanfiction, listening to excessive amounts of Nightmare Before Christmas midis and its soundtrack, and reading excessive amounts of Jhonen comics, this idea popped into my head this afternoon. And if you have the need to review, you can, but I don't quite understand why people crave reviews. Oh well. Constructive criticism is good. Don't get hit by a flying moose.  
  
Chapter 1 (Coming Whenever It Gets Finished): Wives, Ex-girlfriends, and Ex- lovers  
  
NOTE: If you have any amusing stories that have to do with Jack, Jarl, or Nny that you would like to see be used as a torture device pop me an email (whataboutkimmuriel@yahoo.com) with the subject labeled "Torture Stories" and your name so I can give you credit. 


	2. Wives, Exgirlfriends, and Exlovers

you asked for it.  
  
Jack Jarlaxle Johnny Torture  
  
By: Esyla Lease  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?! DAMN MY NAVEL ITCHES!!! Why do you fear the moose of doom? I have done nothing to deserve your cheese ramblings!!! Erm.Jack Skellington isn't mine (he belongs to someone, I know it's not me.), Nny isn't mine (he belong to Jhonen), and ::sigh:: Jarlaxle isn't mine either (he belong to TSR and RAS and.yeah). Neither are all related characters. Hah! Now the nazi lawyers cannot sue me! The ultimate taco has been achieved! GIMME TACOS!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Now..time for-  
  
KEY Torture!!!  
  
CAST!!!  
  
Johnny C. (why the fook am I here?! I need a brainfreezy!!! CHERRY DOOM!)  
  
Jack Skellington (Is there any particular reason why I'm stuck with a homicidal maniac and a Christmas tree decoration?)  
  
Jarlaxle Baenre (.it could be worse.)  
  
Part ½ Wives, Ex-girlfriends, and Ex-lovers  
  
(It's been a few hours and everyone is falling into the "rhythm" of things. The big white room now has a hallway that leads into a kitchen, three bedrooms, and all that other house-like stuff. Jarlaxle has visited the author's office, Johnny got a kitchen knife, and Jack.well.he should step into the author's office as well.)  
  
Jack: (at the computer figuring out Yahoo!) What should my Yahoo! email be?  
  
Jarlaxle: (pokes his head into the room) Maybe your name?  
  
Jack: (mutters) no originality.(types in "JackSkellington" and hits enter) What the heck?!  
  
(A kitchen knife flies into the back of Jack's swivel chair)  
  
Jack: (turns around and give one of those glares. Yeah, you know. That kind of glare.)  
  
Nny: If it hadn't been for your sudden increase in volume I would have hit your thick skull with the FUCKIN' KNIFE instead of the chair! FILTHY-  
  
Jarlaxle: (reenters the room, eating a taco) These taco things aren't that bad.  
  
Nny: HUMILIATE-where the hell did you get that taco?  
  
Jarlaxle: The kitchen. There's more.  
  
Nny: (abandons his ranting and sprints off to the kitchen) TACO GOODNESS!  
  
Jack: (yelling profanities at the computer screen that are very unPumpkin King like, so I won't type them here)  
  
Jarlaxle: (walks up behind Jack) What happened? Locked up again?  
  
Jack: (turns around) You're quick at figuring out these things. Anyway-no! I was in Yahoo! mail and since Esyla told us that we should get email addresses I typed in my name as you had suggested into the little box, clicked the enter button, and my name was already taken! How many Jack Skellington's are they?!  
  
Jarlaxle: (ponders this while eating the rest of his taco) Hmmm.(deletes "JackSkellington" from the little box of doom and types in "JarlaxleBaenre") It says my name is already taken too.let's try both of Nny's names (first tries "Nny", then "JohnnyC") Both taken. Something strange is going on.  
  
*(Flicker. Fizzle. Poof!) As always my manipulating mercenary is correct. Hast thou figured out the rest of this intriguing puzzle?*  
  
Jarlaxle: I still need one more piece that shall complete this plot.  
  
*They're in the living room bookshelf.*  
  
Jack: (stands) I'll go. (walks out of the room)  
  
Nny: (enters. Stops and stares at the demonic blonde who looked like she could have been. a. cheerleader.) You again, and I just got my taco.  
  
*(maniac smile) Hi JohNNY!*  
  
Nny: Are you sure you're not a cheerleader?  
  
*(Weird eye popping thing) How.dare.you.suppose.i.am.a.cheerleader.*  
  
Jarlaxle: (nudging Nny) That's the third time you've asked her. She gets provoked very easily.  
  
Nny: What don't you get about "Don't Touch Me"? (eyes up his knife which is still embedded in Jack's chair)  
  
*You will miss your mark Nny. Trust me on that one.*  
  
Jack: (walks back in carrying a DVD and two books. He hands Jarlaxle a small paperback entitled "Servant of the Shard" and Nny a larger paperback that has Z? written on the front. The Pumpkin King is staring intently at the DVD case.)  
  
*You can play it on the computer, y'know.*  
  
(Jack bends down and hits the DVD button, pops the DVD in, and hits play on the main title screen. The narration to The Nightmare Before Christmas begins)  
  
Nny: (stuffing his second taco in his mouth) That's Squee! Heh, I remember that.WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BACTINE?! I really needed it too. (flips through some pages) Oh God, Devi.(blinks) Wait! WHY THE HELL AM I A COMIC BOOK CHARACTER?!  
  
Jarlaxle: Actually I find that being in this book makes me look good, except when I start acting like a piece of shit. (sighs) Sharlotta, almost as good as Malice.  
  
(Halfway through "This Is Halloween" the screen fuzzes out)  
  
Jack: Hey!  
  
*Malice, huh? Well, I have something better that all three of you will enjoy. (Insane cackle. Poof!)*  
  
(All three look at each other.)  
  
Nny: This isn't good. I think.  
  
(Evil laughter starts up.)  
  
Jarlaxle: You are correct.  
  
(Evil laughter gets louder.)  
  
Jack: I'm agreeing with you both.  
  
(Finally three faces appear. The first is a young woman in her early twenties with purple dyed hair put up in high pigtails. The second is a ragdoll with red hair and kind of evil looking black eyes, and the third is a very exotic looking woman with black hair and glittering seductive eyes.)  
  
Nny: Devi!  
  
Jack: Sally!  
  
Jarlaxle: Sharlotta?  
  
Sally: (snickers) Yeah, we though it might be fun. Turned out it is.  
  
Sharlotta: Plus we're getting paid.  
  
Jarlaxle: (puts his chin in his palm and raises a brow) I thought you were dead.  
  
Sharlotta: Don't I still look sexy, though? (flips a lock of hair over her shoulder)  
  
Nny: D-D-D-D-  
  
Devi: (sighs) Don't look like your phone shot you in the head.  
  
Nny: (twitch) But I thought you hated me.  
  
Sharlotta: Oh, one of those love/hate relationships. How cute!  
  
Jack: Sally, why are you here?  
  
Sally: (imitates Jarlaxle) Because it's enjoyable being positively prime evil. Damn, I should try it more often. Now I know what I was missing all those years. No more goody rag doll shit for me anymore!  
  
Devi: Nny, just spit it out.  
  
Nny: D-D-D-D-Devi. I'm. Sorry. I. Didn't. Mean. To. Try. And. Kill. You.  
  
Sharlotta: (smiles inquiringly) A homicidal boyfriend, huh? How adorable.  
  
Jarlaxle: (now sitting in the swivel chair) All right, cut it out. Why are you three here?  
  
Sally: To make your lives miserable.  
  
Jack: (stares at Sally in shock) But why?!  
  
Sally: Do I need a reason, suicidal skeleton?  
  
Sharlotta: Hmmm.a suicidal husband. This could turn out much better than I though. It might involve leather bindings. (licks lips)  
  
Nny: Really?  
  
Devi: It's not what you're thinking Johnny, trust me.  
  
Sally: Anyway, we don't want to miss that sexy Tyrone on that Regis and Kelly Hunkiest Husband competition, so we're going to leave you.  
  
Sharlotta: Goodbye.  
  
Sally: But we'll be back.  
  
All three: For some bad fanfiction torture!  
  
Devi: Bye, Nny.  
  
Nny: B-b-b-b-  
  
(Screen goes blank, then another face reappears.)  
  
*They'll be back in a few hours. Until then, have fun boys!*  
  
Nny: B-B-B-B-B-  
  
Jack: Oh, God.  
  
Jarlaxle: Lloth save us.  
  
  
  
  
  
End of Part ½  
  
You can go feed your moose now.  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Yeah, this one was shorter, but I haven't had any time to get some fanfiction from my friend's three year old sister. *grin* She should have some good ideas. Anywhoo, remember, I'm not dying for reviews, but I do need some bad fanfiction. I will give you credit. Just make sure you tell me what name you want me to give credit to. Remember: either whataboutkimmuriel@yahoo.com or mangabunnysm@aol.com. Please have a title for your story and the subject for your email can pertain to anything about bad fanfiction or torture fanfiction. Tankies! I'm having tacos for dinner! 


	3. Attack of the Teenybopper Fangirls Part ...

I don't know why, but here's some more  
  
Jack Jarlaxle Johnny Torture  
  
By: Esyla Lease  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?! DAMN MY NAVEL ITCHES!!! Why do you fear the moose of doom? I have done nothing to deserve your cheese ramblings!!! Erm.Jack Skellington isn't mine (he belongs to someone, I know it's not me.), Nny isn't mine (he belong to Jhonen), and ::sigh:: Jarlaxle isn't mine either (he belong to TSR and RAS and.yeah). Neither are all related characters. Hah! Now the nazi lawyers cannot sue me! The ultimate taco has been achieved! GIMME TACOS!!!  
  
Rated PG-13 for swearing and suggestive sexual activity. Yep. That's it.  
  
Author's Note: I have had reviews stating: "WHO IS THIS JARLAXLE?" Well, I'll give you a rundown that might clear up some confusion. Jarlaxle is a drow. The drow are a group of subterranean elves that have ebony skin and white hair. Jarlaxle is a mercenary who was betrayed by his own lieutenants (the bunnies made them, I swear) and is now happily running around the surface of Toril (the fantasy planet he lives on. Go to the fantasy /roleplaying section of your local bookstore and ask (or look) for RA Salvatore's Servant of the Shard. It has Jarlaxle on the cover. Page through the book. Read it in the bookstore) with an assassin named Artemis Entreri. Well, until he went *poof!* Okay, I hope that had some coherency in it. If it didn't, let me know.  
  
Now..time for-  
  
KEY Torture!!!  
  
CAST!!!  
  
Johnny C. (why the fook am I here?! I need a brainfreezy!!! CHERRY DOOM!)  
  
Jack Skellington (Is there any particular reason why I'm stuck with a homicidal maniac and a Christmas tree decoration?)  
  
Jarlaxle Baenre (...it could be worse.)  
  
  
  
  
  
Part 2 Attack of the Teenybopper Fangirls  
  
  
  
Nny: (sipping a Brainfrezzy while the watching the TV, his kitchen knife hidden in his pocket) I hate TRL.WHY DO NONE OF THE OTHER CHANNELS WORK ON THIS TV SET OF DOOM?!?!  
  
Jack: (pokes his head out from the kitchen) Would you stop screaming incoherent messages at that TV screen?  
  
Jarlaxle: (walks out from a door labeled "Author's Office" and sits down beside Nny, Servant of the Shard in one hand) Is young girls swinging their tops around their heads while being doused with water the only show on this "TV"?  
  
Nny: (stands and snarls in disgust at the television, turning it off) ...yes.  
  
Jarlaxle: Oh. (waits till Nny goes into the "White Room" (or so they have dubbed it), grabs the remote and flicks MTV back on) I'm starting to like this television.  
  
Jack: (pops his head back into the living room and blinks once) What's that?  
  
Jarlaxle: "P.Diddy. Or so they call him. All I see is girls clad in skintight leather or scant undergarments.  
  
Jack: (quickly goes back into kitchen, resisting urge to watch MTV)  
  
Ten Seconds Later  
  
(Jack and Jarlaxle are seated on the couch, mouths hanging open. They have discovered late night HBO. Nny is busily drawing Happy Noodle Boy in his room)  
  
*Oh boys..*  
  
(All three sigh and trudge into the White Room, Jarlaxle taking one last look at the marvelous invention dubbed television)  
  
*(Screen turns from static into the image of our compulsive author) Hi boys! Guess what?*  
  
Jack: (deadpan) You finally got a Slurpee?  
  
Nny: You're going to confess you're a cheerleader?  
  
Jarlaxle: I get my hat back?  
  
*(bangs head against her desk) Too much sincerity in those damned words, Nny! (looks up, a smile on her face as if nothing had happened) Nope!*  
  
(Groan)  
  
*You want to stay here?*  
  
(All three simultaneously shake their heads)  
  
*I thought so. Anyway, your first torture device arrived ten minutes ago. I had to wait four days for it, so the UPS man's route will be deterred by several....erm...years....*  
  
Nny: (eyes light up) You're also a deranged killer who performs ghoulish acts of murder and talks to various voices in their heads?  
  
*...No.*  
  
Nny: Damn, that's just me...  
  
(Jack and Jarlaxle exchange glances. Jarlaxle slips Jack one of his throwing daggers)  
  
*(mutters) Really you two. (perks up again) Anywhoo, I shall not be deterred from saying what I need to say any longer. So, on with KEY TORTURE!*  
  
Jack: "KEY" Torture?  
  
*You can figure it out later. (sighs) No one understands me. (poof!)*  
  
Jack: The joy of silence.  
  
*(Evil laughter starts up again)*  
  
Nny: (eyes get all big and he stared numbly at the screen)  
  
Jarlaxle: That's just sad.  
  
*(Evil laughter gets louder)*  
  
Jack: Yep.  
  
*(and louder)*  
  
Jack: This is starting to get monotonous.  
  
Jarlaxle: (blinks) Really mommy? I thought it was just the crack I sniffed this morning.  
  
*(and LOUDER)*  
  
Nny: (still staring, nothing new there)  
  
*(The three familiar faces appear again. All three are dressed in...DRAG (don't ask.costume party, okay? Costume party, dammit! That's what Sharlotta told me, anyway). Sally and Sharlotta or still cackling evilly while Devi just sighs and stares at Nny.*  
  
Devi: I'm here. Joy.  
  
Nny: (voice still small) Hi Devi.  
  
Jack: SALLY?!?!  
  
Jarlaxle: Wow. I'm not surprised. You look the same as ever, desert flower of Calimsham beauty.  
  
Sharlotta: Shut up. You can't even control your own band of mercenaries anymore. (snickers) You make Drizzt Do'Urden look like a nazi punk.  
  
Jarlaxle: Oh, harsh.  
  
Sally: I'm my own woman, bitch! I'm runnin' Halloween Town now and ain't nothing you're gonna do about it!  
  
Jack: But, Sally-  
  
Sally: SAY MY NAME, BITCH!  
  
Devi: Nny, say something coherent before I scream.  
  
Nny: Well.I'm still sorry for listening to those fucker doughboys. Now there's only the Burger Boy, Reverend MEAT.  
  
Devi (thinking): Oh God, I'm glad there's tons of rock separating us.  
  
Jack: Sally?  
  
Sally: THAT'S RIGHT HO! (laughs insanely) That was so much fun. More MTV for me!  
  
Sharlotta: You learn fast. I knew someone else who does to. (eyes up Jarlaxle and mouths the word "later". Jarlaxle grins)  
  
Nny: -and well, forgiveness was never something I really-  
  
Sally: ALL RIGHT BITCHES! Shut up now!  
  
Devi: We have some friends.  
  
Sharlotta: That have been dying to meet you.  
  
Jarlaxle: Sweet mother of Lloth, no. (looks around,his suave demeanor vanished)  
  
Jack: (backs away, holding his hands in front of him) Please. Anything else! Anything!  
  
Sally: The author didn't get any fanfiction, so she had to settle for the ultimate horror.  
  
Nny: Cheerleaders?  
  
Devi: No.  
  
Sharlotta: (licks her lips) Something even better.  
  
Jack: (now on his knees) Come on, Sally. Convince the (shudders) dominatrix beauty queen not too.  
  
*Awww..that was tempting. NO! Must..resist..you shall not win alter ego! Hah! I win! No salvation for you bone daddy!*  
  
Jarlaxle: (pauses looking pitiful, taking the phrase literally) You have kids?  
  
Jack: Five.  
  
Sharlotta: (looks a Sally) Damn you still look good.  
  
Devi: (looks from Jack to Sally) There's an anatomy problem here.  
  
Jack: I live in a world created by Tim Burton.  
  
Devi: (nods) That explains everything.  
  
Nny: (suddenly realizes something) Devi, are those "friends", f-f-f- fangirls?  
  
Sally: No. Something even worse.  
  
Jarlaxle: (eyes go wide) NO!  
  
Sharlotta: (cackles) Yes!  
  
Jack: You mean?  
  
Sally: The crazed teenybopper fangirls who only live to worship their idols.  
  
Devi: Have fun.  
  
(Demonic laughter ensues, and our three villains disappear)  
  
  
  
End of Part 2 of Attack of the Teenybopper Fangirls  
  
Stay Tuned for Part 2 ½! Coming soon! Probably today! Or tomorrow! I just needed to give my eyes a rest from the computer screen. They're starting to hurt.  
  
Authors Note: I also just noticed something while editing this fic. If anyone is wondering who Lloth is, she's Jarlaxle's goddess. She's an evil goddess of chaos. Fun. Also, I need bad fanfiction. Reviews are always a treat (if they have constructive criticism an even BETTER treat *hint*) but I really NEED fanfiction. Also, this fic sorta resembles MST3K, even though it's different. Just put that disclaimer in there so more nazi lawyers don't sue me.  
  
ALSO!  
  
After this is done with short chapters, I'm gonna combine smaller chapters (Such as Attack of the Teenbopper Fangirls, which will eventually just be ONE chapter). So, sorry for short chapter lovin' people. Take the advantage while you still can! MOOSE! 


	4. Attack of the Teenybopper Fangirls Part ...

Mymette and Aidni Productions present:

__

Jack Jarlaxle Johnny

Torture

****

Disclaimer: Fingy Lickin Chicken kung fu! Gimme your Happy Meal and I will spare your soul, for I am the right hand of Satan. Fear me. Jack Skellington, Jarlaxle, and Nny don't belong to me. So don't try to sue me, unless you REALLY want three pennies and some pocket lint. I doubt I'm Stephen King or JK Rowling; writers are not rich people. HAH!…stupidhead. o.o

You people were threatening to bomb me, so now time for more…

Jac**k** Jarlaxl**e** Johnn**y**

Torture

By: Esyla Lease

****

Attack of the Teenybopper Fangirls

Part 2

We last left our heroes at the mercy of the teenybopper fangirls. Why, you ask? Because it's MY story and I can whatever I want with it. YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME. 

(screams from our three heroes are heard, soon followed by a loud THUMP. Silence ensues)

Jack: (groans and opens an eye, finding himself sprawled out on a cold stone floor, with the ceiling a black void) Where are we?

Jarlaxle: (props himself on an elbow and looks at the still unconscious Nny) Or more importantly, should we just leave him like that?

Jack: (sits up and poses thoughtfully) This could take some deliberation…

(The two stand up. Jarlaxle takes Johnny's kitchen knife and Jack looks around for some rope)

Nny: (wakes, finding himself bound with what's probably a whole coil of rope) You-

Jack: I may be the Pumpkin King, but I'm not taking my chances.

Jarlaxle: I'm an evil drow mercenary. What else did you expect?

Nny: CAN'T DENY-nothing, actually. I wasn't counting on the fact I would be knocked unconscious from a FOUR STORY fall. 

Jack: (distractedly) Somehow, this reminds me a torture cham-

(evil laughter starts up. What, you think there's going to be an original plotline? Hah, you're too optimistic.)

Nny: It's one of those days…

Jarlaxle: For the lifestyle you lead, isn't it always one of those days?

(Laughter grows louder)

Jack: (sigh) …

(Laughter abruptly stops)

Nny: How…interesting.

(POOF! A huge dust cloud appears, the fog slowly rolling around the circular chamber. The outlines of three forms can be seen)

Jarlaxle: (yawns, leaning against a wall)

The fog disappears. We can now clearly see three figures. The first is a red head wearing leather pants, tube top, and duster, a demonic grin on her face. The middle is a short, pale, innocent looking girl wearing all zebra stripe with black high heels and a black buret. On the right is a pale girl with purple hair, black jeans, and a black t-shirt. This could get scary, folks.

Nny: Who the hell are you?*

Girl on Left: Geez, you start interrogating us the moment we poof from nonexistence. Give us a break, huh?

Middle Girl: Uh, yeah India…

Girl on Left (now known to everyone as India): (looks flustered) Stop confusing me…

Girl on Right: (mutters) She barely said anything….redhead…

India: Excuse me?! (glares) Ms. I'm From an Anne Rice Novel. 

Girl of Right: Wait! No! Take that back!

Middle Girl: (clutches her head) Headache, gah, foop…

Jack: Excuse me? I haven't even gotten your names…

Middle Girl: (eyes become wider (is that possible?)) Such a gentleman! Cheesepuff. My name is Kelly, but you can address me as the Antichrist anytime. (smiles innocently)

Jarlaxle: (leans over to Jack) That…doesn't sound good.

Jack: (eyes are large and scared) God save me.

India: Hey Jarly! Don't you wanna know who I am? HUH?! (continues yanking the purple headed girl's hair. She retaliates with a roundhouse kick)

Purple headed Girl: Take that you leather wearing biotch! (eyes our little Nny hungrily) Yummy! (goes into crazed fan girl hysteria mode) 

Kelly: (sighs) Her name's Ria. She wants to visit Nny's basement. 

India: More like Nny's labyrinth. Or maze.

Ria continues laughing hysterically, throwing her head back with that demonic spooky grin. Suddenly she stops and looks calmly at our three heroes. 

Ria: Soooo….time for some fun?

India: Kinky fun!

Kelly: Hot sweaty monkey fun!

Jack: (on his knees praying, knowing not even his spiffy Pumpkin King powers will get him out of this one)

Nny: (somehow has a knife ready)

Jarlaxle: (nonchalantly) So who brought the handcuffs this time?

SEVEN HOURS LATER

Remember when we first saw that dank cell where our brave boys first met their first fate? (What, you think Kelly, India, and Ria are the Teenybopper Fangirls. _Not on your life_. They'll hunt you down and poke you with sharp objects if you think THAT. Stupidhead…) 

Now that spacious room looks very, ah, purple. With purple beds, drapes, pillows, neon lights, tables, stools, torture devices, fuzzy handcuffs...

The camera now closes in on two forms; the first being an unconscious Nny half covered in blood, the other in chocolate sauce and strawberry syrup (can we say sundae anyone?) lying stripped to the waist on one of the purple bed, spread eagle, his wrists and ankles chained.* 

Next we have poor old Jack. He's dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, part of his pinstripe suit showing through where rips were made. Methinks he was also a sundae. If only Sally could see him now…

Jarlaxe; well Jarlaxle's busy at the moment. Unless you _want_ this to be a rated R plotline…

Kelly: (comes out of a side doorway, sipping hot chocolate and wearing a silky black robe. She looks at Jack who is handcuffed to the wall) Hi! 

Jack: (mumble) 

Kelly: How cute!

Ria: (pokes her head out from a side door) Did you say you wanted some more whipped cream and nuts?

Jack: Oh no…

Kelly: Awww….my poor Jack. It'll be okay, I promise!

Jack: (closes eyesockets) Horrible images embedded in skull…

Noises are heard from behind a curtain in a corner of the room. Jarlaxle and India seem to be enjoying themselves.

Ria: (looks towards the bed) Nny's too worn out, poor sexy, sweet, eat up with a spoon homicidal maniac.

Kelly: I thought you already did that.

Ria: Oh, I did. It was just too damn short. 

A fog rolls into the room once again. The smoke dissipates, the girl with short blonde hair and blue eyes is seen. She's wearing a trench coat and a black dress with an ankh necklace and fishnet stocking. 

Lease: Hey Jacky! (walks over and pats the Pumpkin King) How's it hanging! (giggles in spite of herself) I'm so funny!

Kelly: Just get on with it.

Lease: …right! India, get yer sorry arse from under that bed sheet!

India: (from behind curtain) But I don't wannaaaa…

Lease: I gave you seven hours of non-stop fun!

India: Nuh uh! We had to stop for ten minutes because we ran out of butter scotch sauce! Isn't that right, Jarly hun?

The curtain opens to reveal India in a corset and Jarlaxle unclothed, both lying in the bed with their bottom halved covered by purple tinted sheets. India's sipping wine, Jarlaxle smoking a cigarette. 

Jack: (eye sockets go wide) I really want to go home now…

Lease: Not on your undead life. Where's Ria?

(Nny stirs and groans.)

Nny: What the hell? I felt like a bulldozer ran me over…

Lease: Knowing Ria, one probably did.

Ria: (walks into the room) What? You're back already? How…sad.

Lease: All righty then.

Jack: (groans) Oh no…

Lease: Now the REAL fun begins…

TO BE CONTINUED….

A/N: You really want more of KEY Torture? If I don't receive any torture devices (also known as fanfiction) there won't be anymore besides ONE MORE CHAPTER. That's right, folks. If you know someone, or you're that someone yourself, that has some fanfiction that would make Jack, Jarlaxle, or Nny squirm, make them suffer! Email me (whataboutkimmuriel@yahoo.com, or mangabunnysm@aol.com) with the heading of the email "Torture Device." Please include the fanfiction title, which character(s) it features, and your name so I can give you credit. Thank you, and good night. 

__

Additional Note to Kelly, India, and Ria: A big thanks for letting me humiliate you guys! I think I also changed Ria and Kelly's obsession, but it worked out better as Kelly for the head of Jack's fanclub and Ria as the head of Nny's. I love you people!

__

Additional Note to the Reader**s**: I know I've been a slacker, but I really appreciate those who actually emailed or IMed me with positive feedback and insane ideas. I'm starting a KEY Torture website soon, and I'd love you guys to be members….and help me with HTML. Angelfire doesn't like meeee….

Proposed website address: www.keytorture.tk

Why the fook are those asterix there?

*JTHM#7

*Wouldn't this make the cutest fanart? Awwwww….you know it would.


	5. yet another jthm trite fic to end all jt...

You asked for it kiddies, so now I sit and write (for the second time, my disk didn't save right)

Jac**k** Jarlaxl**e** Johnn**y**

Torture

By: Esyla Lease (Yes, this is my real name…backwards)

A/N: I'd like to thank the people who take time out of their crappy day to read my crappy fic. I know it isn't the best quality considering I'm the Queen of Procrastination, but I'm glad you people like it. Fan art by moi coming soon. =) 

Later that day….

Okay people, I'm really pissed right now. I had just finished this installment, so due to the fact I just spent about two hours on it, I really don't feel like doing anything, considering my computer screws up EVERY fanfic I write. That's why I don't have many posted. Okay, So I'm mad. I'll redo this again, LATER.

Disclaimer: I don't own MST3K, Jack Skellington, Jarlaxle Baenre, or the beloved little creation of Jhonen-sama, known as NNY. If I did I'd have loads of money and not the various pennies and dimes I have now in my pockets. 

__

We last left our heroes at the mercy of the "teenybopper" fangirls, who successfully managed to terrorize the heroes and disturb any fanboy readers. 

Back At the Secret Underground Lair Thingie

Jarlaxle: (sipping wine and watching The Real World on the living room couch) I never knew two female humans could be so naughty…

Jack: (sitting next to him) Why in hell am I watching this?

Nny: (walks in, slurping a brainfreezy) Holy mongoose shit! (sprints out of the room an into the control room and breathes a sigh of relief) I am safe. (stands of straight and starts slurping his freezy again) 

The blank screen then flickers to life, and we see the dominatrix beauty queen once again!

*Johnny, get the others in here*

Nny: (glares for a moment, then reappears a few moments later with our favorite mercenary and Pumpkin King)

Jack: God, no, not again…

The blonde figure on the screen does not look happy. *Look, boys, I have a migraine and some serious deadlines to make, but I did find something…*

Jarlaxle: (looks up from polishing a broach on his vest) More fangirls?

*No. No more fangirls. I have…* _Whips out a floppy disk_. *A torture file! The whole thing this story was supposed to be based on in the first place. This one is by Kagato23, and you're going to like it!_* Grins maniacally_. *Have fun!* 

Screen goes blank; bone chilling laughter starts up. 

Jarlaxle: And in case you didn't get it the first time…

Laughter becomes louder. 

Nny: …

Jack: (looks at Nny who's passed out on the floor) You aren't getting out of this THAT easily you insomniac. 

The screen flickers once more into static, then flickers again to reveal our three heroes' past relations, who for once are dressed in their normal attire. 

Sally: (grins at Jack) Guess who's running Halloween Town now…

Sharlotta: (busy reading a copy of Gloomcookie*)

Devi: …(looking bored and annoyed as usual)

Jarlaxle: What are you going to do to us now? There was nothing very torturous about the last "KEY Torture" installment…

Sharlotta: And unfortunately for you, there's nothing torturous this time. Not for you, anyway…(looks at Nny who's starting to regain consciousness from his fall due to lack of sleep and Skettios) It's for him. (goes back to her Gloomcookie comic)

Sally: -all the improvements I've ma-

Jack: (suddenly explodes, reverting to a very scary Pumpkin King look that frightened the children in the theaters and scarred them for life when they first saw the movie back in'92) I've had enough from you! I thought you were a kind, loving, gentle mother of five! Instead you're a bitch! 

Sally: Thank you! (smiles sweetly)

Jarlaxle: (turns to the still fuming Jack) You should talk with a friend of mine, Artemis Entreri, about anger management…*

Nny: (now standing, looking like his normal reclusive self) Did I miss anything important?

Jarlaxle: Not really. (whistles innocently as Sally cackles and pulls out a floppy disk) 

Sally: This is going to be so much fun! 

Sharlotta: (winks, giving Jarlaxle a seductive look) Have a good show boys. 

Devi: (bangs her head into her fist) …

Screen goes blank. 

Nny: That was…interesting. 

Jack: Yeah…(spins around on the swivel chair, whistling along with Jarlaxle)

Nny: (does that weird eye thingie) What the hell is going on?!

Jack: (stops for moment) Should we tell him? (continues whistling)

The screen flickers back on. 

Jarlaxle: No need to. 

  
Yet another trite 

Jack: trite: in adjective form triter; tritest. To rub, wear away: hackneyed after much use: stale. 

Jarlaxle: I think he means the latter definition.

Jthm fic to end all Jthm fics 

Nny: (twitches)

supper happy mega version plus yay. 

Jarlaxle: Was there any need for the yay at the end?

Jack: or the super happy mega version plus?

By Kagato23 Kagato23@yahoo.com 

Nny: (hurriedly writes the email address down) So much spamming to do, so little time…

Yes, he's still working on scream

All: Does it look like we care?!  
  
Johnny: Walking down the street Do be do be do. 

Nny: When do I do that?

Jack: Now you do.

GASP! Killing is wrong! I don't need to kill any more! Wow! I feel good!

Nny: OO;; ….  
  
Devi: Being at home somewhere: 

Jarlaxle: (singing) Somewhere over the rainbow…

Bored bored bored. Can't sleep, clowns will eat me. 

Jack: Hopefully. 

YO! 

All: YO!!!

Even though he tried to shish-kabob me, I still like Johnny! 

Nny: (narrows eyes in suspicion) 

If only he didn't kill so much.

Jarlaxle: Always the catch there.

Nny: Shut up.  
  
Johnny: Goes to Devi's house, and pounds on the door Yo Devi! 

Jack: Here we go with those "yo's" again…

I am suddenly all sane and happy and good, and I like puppies and cubicles and people on the streets and stuff, and I want to have you back in my life!

Nny: O_O (falls over)

Jarlaxle: That sentence does not follow the English language rules…

Jack: (kicking Nny awake) You're not getting out of this that easily!  
  
Devi: Flings open door OH JOHNNY! 

Jarlaxle: (sings)-boy, Johnny boy, Johnny boy…

Even though rationally this could only be some sort of asinine plot to finish me off in the real comic, 

Jack: (as Johnny) Of course it is, silly!

I trust you implicitly and fling my arms around you! Flings her arms around you

Nny: You?

Jack: Remember, this is supposed to be horrible…  
  
Johnny: And even though I deplore physical contact we are going to have mad passionate sex now on the steps of your lawn!

All: O.o …..

Jack: ….no comment. 

Nny: (as himself) And after that I'm going to kill myself so I can get out of this mind controlling fanfiction! You know, it gets weird when you're talking to yourself…

(Jarlaxle sniggers)  
  
Devi: Oh, don't worry. Between us, it'll just look like stick figure porn and doesn't rate a high rating!

Jack: The new revolutionized way to escape the censors: stick figure porn!  
  
Wild monkey sex ensues

Jarlaxle: (as Devi) Oh Johnny, Ooooh-(silences himself from a glare from Nny)

Jack: This reminds me of that one time…(thinks for a moment) Never mind.

  
Devi: Smoke Cigarette

Jack: Again, notice the improper verb use.

Wow. I realize now life is good and fun and happy!

Johnny: Mary me Devi!

Jarlaxle: That just popped out of nowhere.

Nny: (sarcastically) Never saw that coming. (twitches again)  
  
Devi: Hugs Oh I will! But. how shall we.

Jarlaxle: Shouldn't that have been a question? And why did she pause in the middle of the sentence?

Jack: Do keep ever present in your thoughts my friend, that this was meant to be badly written.*  
  
Johnny: Oh, I sold Happy Noodle Boy to Slave Labor Graphics. You'll never have to work a retarded job again!

Nny: Eh heh.   
  
More pukey hugging, happy music!

Jack: That wasn't necessary.

Jarlaxle: Yes it was.  
  
Johnny: Walking arm and arm with Devi down street to his house Boy, it sure is nice to be all sane and not killy!

Nny: Killy?

Jarlaxle: Hilly?

Jack: Willy! (receives a glare from Jarlaxle) …What?! I tried.

  
Suddenly, noise!

All: (high girly screeches)  
  
Squee's dad: That's it! I'm gonna kill you!

Jack: Who's Squee?

Nny: Neighbor. Nice kid, horrible parents.  
  
Squee: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Jarlaxle: I take it Squee isn't his real name?  
  
Johnny looks torn

Nny: As in literally torn apart, so now I am dead and out of this pitiful excuse of a story!  
  
Devi: pats his shoulder Just this once.  
  
Johnny: Grins and hugs her Your so sweettt.

Jarlaxle: ttttttttttt.

runs into is house, runs back out with a power drill, lots of mousetraps, a tiny Cthulhu statue, a hacksaw, a vacuum cleaner, a plucked but alive chicken, 

Nny: Doesn't sound that bad.

and the latest N'Sync cd

All: O.O 

Jack: A fate worse than death, they say.

Gotta get it all outa my system in one last go!

  
Charges into Squee's house, kicking the door open. 

Jarlaxle: Charlie's Angels! Whoo!

Jack: (hums the theme to Mission Impossible)

Three hours later, 

Jack: The world explodes.

Jarlaxle: Johnny and Devi have some more stick figure sex.

Nny: I die!

comes out with Squee, and a ruined outfit

Nny: All of my outfits are ruined already.

Jarlaxle: Knowing what type of story this is, I bet it was a brand new outfit from the GAP.  
  
Squee: But what about my family?

Jack: They're dead now Squee, but it's okay because-  
  
Devi: Umm. were your family now Squee!

(Jarlaxle and Nny groan)

Nny: You're good at this, Mr. Pumpkin King.  
  
Johnny: But don't worry, I'm all nice and good now.

Nny: And now I'm going to kill myself and all will be good in the world!

Jarlaxle: Wishful thinking again, eh?  
  
Squee: Whew. Wait. 

All: (dramatic pause)

Why yes Shmee, I do think my life is going to get better now!

Jack: Horribly random…

Jarlaxle: Just horrible.  
  
All three skip off, Squee between Johnny and Devi, singing "Tomorrow"

Nny: O_O  
  
The End

Jack: Mercifully. 

Jarlaxle: That really wasn't that torturous…  
  
Author runs from the tormented spirit of J. Edgar Hoover, who's trying to rape his goldfish 

All: OO; ….

*screen goes blank, then flickers back on again*

Sally: So how was it, fun?

Jack: Actually it was just plain stupid. 

Jarlaxle: And short.

(Sharlotta glares at him)

Devi: (looks at Nny who is now gripping his kitchen knife) Well, at least he found it somewhat disturbing.

Jarlaxle: Disturbing yes, torture, no. 

Jack: I would've thought it would've been maybe _slightly_ better. 

The screen then flickers again, this time to reveal our favorite insane author. 

*HAH! Just wait until next time Jack, I have something for you!* _Grins that famous demonic grin._

Jack: (deadpan) Oh no, I'm terrified. 

Jarlaxle: (whistles innocently)

*Jarly hun, would you step into my office for a moment?*

Jarlaxle: Of course, Matron Esyla. 

Nny and Jack: OO;;; (watch as the mercenary strolls into the door labeled 'Office')

Jack: (stomps angrily) Why does he never seem to get in trouble?

*Because he has a six pack and you don't. Bai bai, now!*

Screen goes blank again. 

End transmission. 

A/N: Okay, kiddies, here's the deal. I have found torture files! Huzzah! ^^ The thing is I'm gathering forces. That's right folks; for a teenybopper fangirl torture that I'm planning. If you would like to participate, leave in your review (or email me, or IM me, I don't care which one) your name or penname, which character you would like to torture, and a descriptive summary. Thanks! I love you people! ~Lease

(1)* I'm not fond of this comic, but my boyfriend likes it. ^^

(2)* For all your Forgotten Realms readers, I had to get Arty in there somehow! D

(3)* A Jarlaxle quote from _Servant of the Shard_ that I twisted horribly…


	6. End of a Villain, Start of a Horror

School's out and it's all the rage!

****

KEY Torture

By: Lease

__

Disclaimer Haiku

I do not own them

These characters are not mine

Please do not sue me

^^

Author's Note: My god! I have returned! Please forgive my worthless soul that I have not updated it months. Here are the following reasons why: soccer, musical, romantic interest (eheheh….), friends (yes, I actually have some friends now! Yay!) I GOT MY WISDOM TEETH OUT. Owwwwwwww…..*sniffles* 

Now….

Time for KEY TORTURE!!!!

Johnny C (Why the fook am I here? I need a brainfreezy!!! CHERRY DOOM!) 

Jack Skellington (Is there any particular reason why I'm stuck with a homicidal maniac and a Christmas tree decoration?) 

Jarlaxle Baenre (….it could be worse.)

****

-Back at the Secret Underground Lair Thingie-

Jack: (sitting on the coach with a can of skettios in his hand) I wonder if these things are any good…

Nny: MINE! (jumps onto the couch and wrestles the can away from Jack) How dare you touch my precious! My precious…(strokes the can, not noticing the strange look from Jack)

Jack: By any chance Nny, have you seen The Lord of the Rings? 

Nny: My precious…my preciousssss….

Jarlaxle: (strolls into the room with a towel around his waist and a glass of champagne in his hand) I see our friend has finally lost his sanity. (shakes his head and walks to the room relabeled Office of Queen of the Universe!!! and grins at Jack) Aluve!*

The TV screen flickers and a familiar blonde appears on the screen.

*Hi guys!!!! (waves and grins) Lookie! No more braces!*

Jack: Hoorah…(absentmindedly watches Nny stroke his skettios)

*(glares at the Pumpkin King) You know, there's always that pink tutu…*

Jack: Uh…no. No thanks. I'm good. (smiles nervously)

*That's what I like to hear. Well, people have been asking for more of KEY Torture, and I'm been so busy I didn't even check my reviews. Silly me! (giggles) *

All: (look at her, their expressions blank)

*(blinks) Well…..anyway….I have a new file! And it's really stupid. In fact, it's so stupid I read the whole novel length thing, punching my head as I did so.*

Jarlaxle: (grins) Sounds like a nasty piece of work. (gives Nny an incredulous stare as the homicidal maniac continues to stroke his can, sniggering with glee)

Jack: Exactly what is this head punching story about…?

*(laughs) I think that's for your wife to explain, Jackie dear!*

  
The screen goes blank, then flickers back on again.

Nny: No evil laughter this time? Surely that was a restrainment for all of you.

Devi: (rolls her eyes) At least I don't have a Spaghettio obsession, Johnny….

Nny: Huh?! (looks around frantically) What is this skettio expression you speak of? It is not true, I tell you. Lies, all LIES!!!! (dives into the couch coushin, still holding his can of skettios with his eyes staring out from the darkness)

Sharlotta: I believe that's blatant denial. I like that in a man…(licks her lips)

Jarlaxle: Shar dearest, you're making me ill…

Sally: Don't you three want to know about the file you'll be enjoying today? (smiles sweetly)

Jack: Sally, stop giving me the stare…  


Jarlaxle: (laughs) I wonder who's on top in this relationship? (quiets after a warning "ahem" from the authoress, located in unknown territories)  


Devi: Nny, put down the skettios…

Nny: NEVA!!!! (burrows deeper into the couch)

Sally: (looks at them impatiently) Would everyone please be quiet so I can announce the next story?! Thank you. 

Jarlaxle: (mutters) Bitch…

Sally: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Now, this lovely piece is entitled End of a Villain, Start of a Legacy. It's a Nightmare Before Christmas fanfiction and I don't think Jack will appreciate it much. (grins) 

Devi: All right, let's just leave and let them get on it. (looks at Nny with almost pity)

Sharlotta: (waves seductively) Bye boys.

The screen flickers off.

Jarlaxle: (looks at the now fidgeting Jack and shakes his head, then goes over to the couch and yanks Nny out, dragging him over to the White Room) Let's go, Mr. Mighty Pumpkin.

Jack: (swallows hard, then enters, sitting down in one of the swivel chairs) This is will be great fun…(sighs)

The screen flickers on.

End of a Villain, Start of a Legacy 

Nny: (in an announcer voice) And, if the title isn't large enough, here's some oversized and overbudgeted ads from our sponsors!

Jarlaxle: You learn new things every day….

Jack Skellington stood in the center of Town Hall, watching as everyone worked. 

Jack: D'oh!

Halloween this year was going to turn out great, he could tell. Being the Pumpkin King, it was his duty to make sure it would. 

Jarlaxle: This really could be much worse…

And even though he had been somewhat distracted recently, he was determined to set things right once again. For a while recently he had been quite depressed,

Jarlaxle: What pills did they put you on, prozac?

Jack: (mutters) Shut up.

wanting a change in his life. Something more. That had been when he'd discovered Christmas Town, a happy little holiday situated in the North Pole. He had loved it, 

Nny: Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby.

proceeding to kidnap old Saint Nick and take his place. Halloween had created toys of their own, little creations that ate their owners whole and chased litttle children around the house. Sandy Jack 

Jack: I never recall myself ever being called "Sandy Jack." Never. That's wrong.

had flown in his coffin sleigh with three skeletal reindeer to deliver them to the children of the world, feeling confidant that it would all go off without a hitch. His efforts had gone unappreciated, however, as the armies used their modern-day weapons to blast him out of the sky. Even now, he could feel the heavy emotional scars that had come with the sudden shock of realizing how badly he had failed. Not only had he ruined Christmas, but he had let down the holiday. He hadn't even planned on any consequences, didn't take into consideration the seriousness of the task he was undertaking. He had fixed everything though; saved Sandy Claws from the horrible Oogie Boogie (the former town villain) and set everything right once more. 

Nny: And in case you didn't see the movie, you now have a complete summary to guide you by!

Jarlaxle: That announcer voice is beginning to scare me…

Now that everything was settled back down once again, things were back to normal. Well, almost, save for the daily surprises of living in this place. Vampires and werewolves were a common things, 

Jack: I'm going as low as to criticize the grammar…

as were witches and winged demons. It wasn't unfamiliar around here to have others casting horrible hexes on you just for the fun of it. 

Nny: Personally, I don't think they would mess around with the Pumpkin King anyway.

Then there were Lock, Shock, and Barrel, another story altogether. 

Jack: Quite they are.

Formerly Oogie Boogie's henchmen, the siblings were now left on their own in the treehouse home they shared above the lair belonging to their former master. Their past was shrouded in mystery, perhaps one of the most baffling in Halloween history. Nobody knew quite how they had gotten to where they were, and the three weren't talking. 

Nny: Ever heard of paraphrasing?

Jarlaxle: Lease can't stand overwinded stories…(smirks)

Jack suspected they knew, but he felt no need to interfere with their private lives. It was none of his buisness. Besides, he had no intention of meddling with them. The three were the town's worst trouble makers, always causing mischief and mayhem. 

Jack: Well, at least I'm me.

Jarlaxle: For the moment.

They played awful pranks on everyone; stealing the blueprints, smashing jack-o-lanterns, even slipping deadly nightshade into the town's water supply. Numerous times Jack had tried to ban them from Halloween Town, but it never worked; they always found their way back in. Finally he had given up on them, asking them to please keep their destruction down to a minimum. They had just smiled sweetly, continuing on their merry way. Of course, they had been lying. 

  
Jack knew though that there was a good side to these three kids; he had seen it before. 

Jack: If maybe I've been stiffing too much deadly nightshade.

Sometimes they would stop for a friendly chat with him, and other times help out with the holiday. He knew they were good inside; he just had to find out how to get to that good part. But perhaps he never would; until then, he would try to find a way. 

Nny: (looks around, sharing a smirk with Jarlaxle) I sense I contradiction here!

Jack: Long winded…(groans)

Still though, he often wondered what the story behind them was. He knew some basic facts about the three, but not much to go by. Shock was the eldest at 11 years of age. Lock was the middle child at 9, and Barrel was the youngest at 8. All three had once had parents, he knew that as well, but then they had teamed up with Oogie Boogie for some reason. He never knew exactly why, and neither did anyone else. It was just another mystery to add to the many that made up Halloween. 

Jack: Is there going to be a plot anytime soon? 

Jarlaxle: Probably not. (starts to draw runes on his arms with silver gel pen)

Jack often found himself thinking about the three, but there was someone else he thought of even more. 

Nny: Oh wait, let's see here…his miserable exsistence?

Jarlaxle: His dead sex life?

Jack: My dog?

His girfriend, Sally. 

All: Damn! (hang their heads and sigh)

Having been seeing her for just over a month, he loved her a great deal. Having fallen in love on that fateful Christmas Eve not too long ago, Sally was the creation of Dr. Finklestein, the town's resident Evil Scientist. Having been created no more then 6 months ago she was fairly new to the world, but her knowledge of the place said otherwise. 

Jarlaxle: I think I might be sick…(gives a reproachful glance at The Office)

Jack: Having been-

Brilliant at all that she did, Sally was truly made for Halloween; a born natural. She scared humans with the grace and agility of the Pumpkin King himself. 

Nny: Doesn't she walk like a cow with it's hind legs severed?

She spoke of things that even Jack himself didn't know about, which was odd, because Jack was over 500 years old (504, to be exact). 

Jack: (his eyes widen and look at Jarlaxle) If that were true I believe I would've hung myself by now.

It stunned him the rate at which she had absorbed the information she knew; indeed she was a highly intelligent creature. As well she showed signs of telepathic abilities 

Nny: (cough) Smoking pot! (cough)

and was quite skilled in the area of sewing. Which was why she was often placed in charge of repairing people's Halloween outfits; the vampires capes, the witches hats, the suit Jack would wear as the scarecrow. 

Jack: This is starting to get monotonous…

She was obviously the best choice, and everyone knew it.

As he stood here in Town Hall now thinking about all these things, he didn't notice somebody approaching him. "Jack!" someone cried. "Jack, snap out of it!" 

Jack: Yes, please! You are now waking up from a nightmare full of superfluous _shite_.

Jarlaxle: I'm proud of you Jack. (grins)

He blinked, seeing his good friend The Mayor standing before him. A short and obese little man, he was only half of Jack's 7 feet and four times as fat. Rail thin and abnormally tall, the Pumpkin King severly contrasted against the little man, who was second-in-command only to him. To make up for his height the Mayor wore an outrageously tall hat, which just made him look ridiculous. He was a two-faced politician, quite literally. His head had the ability of spinning back and forth to show emotions; one side of his head revealed happiness, the other fear, anger, sadness, surprise, and any other feeling imaginable. And it was this one that was most often displayed. Right now, he was looking at Jack with an expression of impatientness. 

Nny: Thank you, Department of Description.

"Jack, what are you doing standing around like this? We have so much work to do! That whole Christmas thing left us so far behind, we have so much to do..." 

Jack: Whine whine whine, that's all he can do. (grunts and folds his arms)

Nny: Someone's getting indignant.

"I know, I just got slightly distracted there.

Jarlaxle: I was remembering one of those sex dreams I had with Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson. My apologies. 

Sorry. I believe we were just about to go check on the jack-o-lanterns, right?" 

Jack: It's almost as bad as a 19th century novel, isn't it?

Jarlaxle: Charles Dickens, here we come.

  
"According to schedule, yes," he replied as they headed off. "I actually believe that we'll be pretty well caught up by the time the big night rolls around, if we work quickly."   
"Good. I believe that this year is going to be a hit. I have tons of more ideas to give those humans a good fright." They stopped, having arrived at their destination. The vampires were in charge of carving this year, and appeared to be doing quite well. 

Nny: If I don't see a plot soon, I'm going to kill myself.

Jarlaxle: That's exactly what they want you to do. Don't lose hope quite yet.

The King picked up one of the completed products, observing it closely. He nodded slightly. "Looks good," he said at last. "You're doing a good job. Nice smile to them, sends a good shiver down the spine. The mortals will hate it." 

Nny: Unless you're a deranged homicidal maniac. Then you'll love it.

Jack: Do I really act like this?

  
The mayor marked this down on his clipboard. "Wonderful then, one last thing to worry about." Giving a nod to the vampires, he led Jack away. "So," he said casually. "I've noticed that things seem to be heating up between you and Sally, eh?" 

Jarlaxle: To be taken as: How's the sex life, Jack?

Jack: (sighs) Embarrassing.

  
A smile. "Definately. I think she's the one, my friend. I really do."   
"Really? Wow, that's wonderful. Think you'll propose to her?"   


Jack: The biggest mistake of my life…

He shrugged. "Who knows? I just might. I wanted to keep the relationship going for a while yet, see if this is what I truly want. But at this point, I think that eventually we will be married." 

Jarlaxle: (singing) You're mine now, but you're not my sister…

Jack: If you continue your Oingo Boingo escapade it will not end well.

"Stupendous! I wish you the best then. Imagine, a Queen. I think that she'll make a fine match for you."   
A nod. "I think so, too Mr. Mayor. I really do." 

Nny: (scribbles notes down on a piece of paper)

Jarlaxle: What are you doing?

Nny: Counting the number of times a character repeats themselves.

Jack: (mutters) Wonderful.

Jack and Sally had a date already made for that evening, dinner at a local resturaunt. When the King got there she was already seated at a table waiting for him. He smiled to himself upon seeing her; dressed in a long, black dress, her beauty shone through wonderfully. 

Nny: (gags himself) ….

Jarlaxle: It's almost like the beginning of a porn…

Jack: (glares at the mercenary)

Her long, brown hair flowed elegantly across her shoulders, her large black eyes wandering around the room. Her small frame was complimented by the dress, and her tiny hands were folded upon the table.   
A little sigh escaped his throat as he gazed at his love. 

Jarlaxle: (glances at Nny) That's starting to look tempting.

Jack: Push the right buttons, and you might find yourself in that position.

Since that first fateful evening together upon the spiral hill just over a month ago, the both of them had been inseperable. He loved her more then his own life, more then all the money in the world. She was a very important woman, and he wanted to make sure she knew that. 

Jarlaxle: By giving her the "bling bling!" Oh yeah! (starts dancing to an imaginary rap beat)

Nny: You make me sick.

Putting on a smile now he headed over to her, kissing her delicate hand. 

Jack: (mildly amused) How sweet.

  
"Good evening, my dear," he said.   
"My darling," she grinned. "I missed you." 

Jarlaxle: I wonder if that grin had implications behind it.

Nny: Trust no one, bitch.

  
"As I've missed you," came the reply. "Sorry I'm late..."   
"Don't worry about it," she chuckled. "As long as you're here."   
A smile. 

Jarlaxle: Eh heh. Heh.

"Thank-you." A little cough. 

Jack: A little cough? That's so sweet. (makes a face)

Jarlaxle: Someone didn't take their happy pills today, did they?

"So, um....any word from your landlord?" Sally currently lived in a run-down apartment not far from his home. The place was a piece of crap, run-down and hardly worth living in. 

Jack: Oh yeah. I'm sure she did. 

Nny: Story. Remember it's just a story.

He had often offered to get a better place for her, but she had refused. He was already helping pay for this place, she insisted. She would not allow him to pay any more, despite what the living conditions were like. 

Nny: For some reason, I feel no pity.

Jarlaxle: None whatsoever.

But Sally, he had protested, this is pure filth. "I'll send a complaint letter," she had replied. And so she had. 

Jarlaxle: But no one answered.

Jack: Because the request was idiotic. 

Nny: I bet her idea of filth is not have valet parking. 

  
She shook her head now. "No, Jack, nothing. Not so much as a word."   
A growl. 

Jack: (shakes his head and sighs) Why in hell am I growling?

Jarlaxle: And no one believed it was going to become a porn.

"You submitted that thing to him over two weeks ago, Sally, it's not good enough. Oh, please let me go talk to him." 

Nny: (imitating Jack) Oh please, Sally. We haven't had sex in two days. 

Jack: This is sad. Almost to the point of making me look like a dependent bastard who read too many romance novels and helped cleaning with mother. 

Jarlaxle: I thought that was a fairly accurate description to begin with. (snickers as a pillow hits the side of his head)

"No. 

Nny: Take that, you bastard!

Jarlaxle: There's a difference between embellishing and overwriting, and the fine line between them is beginning to make me twitch.

You may be the Pumpkin King, but I'm not going to let you use your authority to help me out, Jack. Absolutely not." 

  
"Oh, Sally," he sighed. "Please, I love you, I want you to be happy." 

Jack: I'm such a pansy. 

Jarlaxle: A pansy with morals. (shakes his head sadly)

  
"But I am happy," she insisted as she took his hands. "I've got you." 

Jarlaxle: And your money.

Nny: And your position. 

Jack: And my gullibility.

  
"No, that's not what I mean. I want you to have a nice home and lots of food..." He paused. "Sally, move in with me," he proclaimed suddenly. "Come live in the Skellington mansion with me." 

Jack: ….and my house.

Jarlaxle: The Pumpkin King's been…pussywhipped!

Nny: (sings) Whip it. Whip it good. 

  
She was stunned. 

Nny: As in "by a stungun"?

Jarlaxle: We can only hope.

"Jack, so soon? We've barely been seeing each other a month..." 

Jack: Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

  
"And I love you, Sally!" he cried. "Sweet lord, I love you! Please Sally, say yes. We can get your stuff tomorrow and we can both be happily settled in by nightfall. Oh, it's such a wonderful idea, do say yes...." 

All: (snicker) 

  
"What will Zero think?" she said with a smile, referring to Jack's pet ghost-dog. 

Jack: That's right, ask what the dog thinks, because the dog can talk.

"Zero will think whatever I want him to," he replied. 

Nny: Using mind control on the dog, are we now, _Jack_?

Jarlaxle: That was entirely too obvious. (absentmindedly examines his rings)

"Come on, Sally, say it. Say the word I want to hear." 

Jarlaxle: Just say no to Jack, Sally. Just say no.

Jack: Excuse me?

  
"I don't know, Jack. I mean, I can just as easily make a few repairs on the apartment myself...."   
"Sally," he growled, growing annoyed. 

Nny: I smell an abusive relationship!

Jack: Am I mentally disabled or just a prick?

Jarlaxle: I'd have to go with…both. Yes. Definitely both.

  
A little chuckle. "Oh, alright. Yes. I'll move in with you."   
"Yes!" he cried, leaping up from his chair and knocking it over. A few people glanced over at him, and he blushed with embarrasment. 

Nny: (twitches) You know, Jack, if you really acted like this we would have killed you a while ago.

Jack: I know, Johnny, I know.

"Sorry," he smiled as he took his seat once more. Immediately he turned back to his love, taking her fragile hands into his own. "Oh, this is wonderful, Sally!" He kissed her over the table. "I love you so very much, you know that?" 

Jarlaxle: It's almost as bad as Drizzt Do'Urden.

Nny: (laughs maniacally) I'm going to kill the bastard!

Jack: The bastard is right here.

  
Another kiss. "Yes, I know. I love you too, my King."   
"Ahem," came a voice suddenly. They looked up, to see 

Nny: Me holding a knife, proceeding to then stab them to death.

Jarlaxle: Oprah Winfrey! (sips from a glass of _ijuild)_

Jack: Somehow I have a sick feeling it's my mother.

a waiter standing over them. 

Nny: Pooh. 

He appeared uncomfortable. 

Jarlaxle: He was getting off from the hot love action.

Jack: Have I ever told you you're the most perverted being I've ever met?

Jarlaxle: (grins smoothly) Yes.

"I am most sorry to interrupt, your Kingship, but..." 

Jack: Your kingship? Who the calls me "your Kingship?"

Nny: Apparently the "waiter" does. (makes a face at the Pumpkin King)

  
"Yes, don't worry about it," Jack said with a wave of his skeletal hand. "My darling, what shall you be having?"   
"I've been craving the Fried Rat Tails, personally," she said, gazing at the menu she had been given earlier. 

Jarlaxle: Not bad, actually.

Nny: Ech. Just ech.

Jack: (mocking himself) ….my darling…(mutters)

  
"Two plates of that, then," Jack told the waiter as the menu was taken from them.   
"I'll be back in a moment, sir," he replied before hurrying off to the kitchen. 

Screen flickers off, then back on.

*(half asleep, scrunching up her nose at random objects on her desk) Heh, taquito…(jolts up) Hey guys! (waves and smiles)*

Nny: I hate you.

Jack: That was the most boring thing I've ever read.

*Isn't it? I'll be giving you more in intervals due to the fact it does tend to cause suicide attempts. I don't want that to happen now, do I?*

Jack: (looks around frantically, trying to find some rope)

*Oh, it isn't that bad. It gets progressively worse. (grins) Sharlotta and them are off in Calimport somewhere, but they'll be back soon. Talk to you later boys!*

The screen flickers off for the final time.

Jarlaxle: Oh, the raging horror.

End transmission.

Author's Note: I know this installment has been delayed due to a lot of things, and I know I chose a fanfiction that people may like, and I apologize ahead of time. ^^; End of a Villain, Start of a Legacy belongs to tiff@burtonelfman.zzn.com and I am sorry if I offended her in any way. 

Anywhoo, I have some other business to attend to. If anyone out there wants to see a certain fic "reviewed" by the boys (guest characters are negotiable) please email me at mangabunny@suscom.net. Thanks, and see you next time!

*Aluve = hello (in drow) 

  
  


  



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